There’s nothing quite like the loss of a spouse at a young age to make you step back and think. After I became a widower at 31, I spent quite a bit of time journaling and reflecting. Here are some of the three most important things I’ve learned. I hope that by sharing my story I can help encourage you to think about these things and take action if needed.
Life is short and time with those you love is precious.
I’ve long been a proponent of using George Kinder’s three life planning questions to help people identify what is really important to them and I’ve reaped their benefits personally as well.
Question #1: Imagine you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. The question is…how would you live your life? What would you do with your money? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back on your dreams. Describe a life that is complete and richly yours.
Question #2: This time you visit your doctor who tells you that you have 5-10 years to live. The good part is that you won’t ever feel sick. The bad news is that you will have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining to live? Will it change your life and how will you do it? (Note that this question does not assume unlimited funds.)
Question #3: Finally, imagine your doctor shocks you with the news that you only have one day left to live. Concentrate on the feelings you have as you confront your very real mortality. Ask yourself:
What dreams will be left unfulfilled?
What do I wish I had finished or had been?
What do I wish I had done?
What did I miss?
According to Kinder, the third question usually generates responses that follow five general themes:
1. Family or relationships — 90% of the responses to the final question contain this topic.
2. Authenticity or spirituality. Many responses involve leading a more meaningful life.
3. Creativity. Surprisingly, a large number of respondents express a desire to do something creative: to write a science-fiction novel, or to play guitar like Eric Clapton.
4. Giving back. Further down the list are themes about giving back to the community, about leaving a meaningful positive impact.
5. A “sense of place.” A fifth common theme (though nowhere near as prominent as the top three) is a desire to have some connection with place: a desire to be in nature, to live someplace different, or to help the environment.
Kinder says that some people — the facts and figures people — look at the life-planning process and ask, “What does this have to do with money?” It has everything to do with money. When you understand what you want to do with your life, you can make financial choices that reflect your values.
As I’ve spoken elsewhere about my faith, these questions for Sarah and me were intensely spiritual as they helped us define what was truly most important to us in each aspect of our lives. In matters of day-to-day life when it came to prioritizing our spending, we made sure to keep giving, experiences, and travel at the top of list when it came to discretionary spending (ie. what was left over after all the mandatory bills are paid) because those were the things most important to us.
Sarah and I loved to travel and explore new places so we prioritized that in our budget from the beginning of our marriage. By choosing to live 100% consumer-debt free but also saving aggressively, we maintained a balance between the future and the present. That allowed us to spend much time together doing things we loved. I cherish those memories now.
Money is just a tool that we use to make our goals become real. A common trend I see among many people in their own personal finances is the disconnect between what they value (sometimes with a goal, but now always if they’ve not really thought about them before) and what they spend their money on. This is the recipe for frustration. If you are experiencing this challenge, go back to the three questions and define what is most important to you to spend your money on.
We’ve all heard the phrase, “You won’t wish you had worked more on your deathbed,” but how often have you ever stopped to think about that in the context of are you really prioritizing spending quality time with the people you love and who mean the most to you? What would they say if you asked them for their honest opinion?
There is a tremendous contrast between urgent and important, yet how differently we often treat them by prioritizing the urgent over the important. Take time to stop and reflect on how those ought to be different for you.
Plan wisely for life’s end and the what-ifs along the way, especially by talking about them ahead of time.
My wife’s health declined over the course of 2016 before she experienced a health crisis event in March 2017. We lived in hospitals across two states for almost 6 months before we found out there wasn’t much else the medical community could do. In those final six weeks, we had so many special conversations that I will always treasure.
We had already done all the appropriate estate planning at the beginning of our marriage, but most importantly, over the years Sarah and I had many conversations discussing the what-ifs of life and what our wishes would be if ever one of us was unable to make those decisions. This especially came into play one time when in a stay in the ICU, Sarah came very close to being intubated and would be unable to speak for herself. While fortunately that didn’t end up coming to pass, I already knew exactly what Sarah would want done because we had gone over that topic before. That knowledge alone was a comfort in the back of my mind. Please take the time to discuss the what-ifs of life with those you love in your life too. It’s never the right time for that conversation until it isn’t.
Don’t wait to settle estate planning and get life insurance needs covered
The only difference between my wife and all of us was she had a much more definite timeline for when she would pass away. In most of American culture, death is a difficult topic, yet ultimately it is something that happens to us all. Living and planning in light of that fact can help all of us have a better perspective.
Of all the stresses we faced during that time, finances and estate planning weren’t one of them thankfully because we had already taken time back when we first got married to draw up wills, get appropriate life insurance, and cover all aspects of estate planning. In the final weeks and months we were able to solely focus on what was most important — spending time with one another.
A small investment of your time and effort now will be of immeasurable value to your loved ones in the future.
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